wake up and be the best bitch you possibly can
Love waking up to a cup of coffee and a little sarcasm. Cheers to being the best version of you today!
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Check out our section on National Days
February 16th – Tuesday
Happy Mardi Gras / Happy fat Tuesday
We don’t hide our crazy! We parade it down the street!
February 18th – Thursday
I don’t remember what I wanted to be when I grew up but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t this.
NOT MY PASTURE – NOT MY BULLSHIT
I have nothing in common with people who color inside the lines.
February 20th / February 21st
I relate more to serial killers than people who say they “forgot to eat.”
You had me at self-destructive.
That water trick was miraculous, but lets see Jesus try walking on Legos.
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray paint it on your car.
Does it count as saving someone’s life if you refrain from killing them?
Week of February 8th – 14th
February 8th – Monday
Life was a lot easier when my biggest decision was Fruit Loops or Lucky Charms.
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree.
If you can’t laugh at yourself someone will always do it for you.
Crazy hoe fifteen years of math wasn’t enough to prepare me for baking 2 boxes of brownies at once.
February 13th / 14th
Today’s motivational quote: Don’t be a piece of shit.
February 1st – Monday
If there was a problem, I caused it.
ug – these cat sayings – not a fan
People need to start appreciating the effort I put into not being a serial killer.
We have had a time in our life when this really feels true….
I think God’s plan for me is this: Let’s torture her till she’s dead.
January 25th through January 31st
January 25th – Monday
Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.
January 26th – Tuesday
Can’t decide if I should do laundry or fake my own death.
January 27th – Wednesday
Do people who go to crowded night clubs know they could stay home and dance with their cat?
January 28th – Thursday
If you can’t use your kids as designated drivers, what’s the point of even having them?
January 29th Friday
It doesn’t matter if the glass is half full or half empty… it’s clearly almost time to order another drink.
January 30th / January 31st – Saturday & Sunday
My favorite dish is the one that holds the most food.
January 16 / 17 – January 23rd / 24th
January 16th / 17th
I just want someone to look at me the way I look at the last donut in the breakroom.
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
Sometimes even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Not everything is your fault, just the stuff that happened since you were born.
My thighs touch because they love each other.
Age is just a number until you hit your 40s, then it’s a diagnosis.
January 23rd / January 24th
Stop me if you’ve heard this before, you’re an asshole.
Inspiration, Motivation and Coffee are great ways to start the day!
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